Monday, September 14, 2009

Another Day Another Doll House


Well fuck...

Ok so I must be the worst blogger on earth. I'm really really sorry that I haven't been good at this the past few months. Things go so busy with work it felt like I never had a second for myself. Thank god the summers over and I'm back in school. I love school! I can stop thinking of everyone else and focus on myself for a moment.

I managed to stay well within my appropriate summer weight range. I fluctuated mildly between 110 and 115, at my most stressful moment I reached a max of 118 however a two week cleanse and a week of fasting brought me back down to my GW. Thank god!

I'm so happy to be back in school. It really helps me clear my head and get into a whole new focus. I like learning things and getting to know what my industry is about. Lets face it back to school also means lots of eye candy...boy eye candy. Unfortunatly none of that eye candy resides in any of my classes...sigh...

I'm really hoping that this is the year that someone special maybe pops into my life. I would really like to have a companion and more then that someone I can trust and have fun with. It would also be nice to get laid every now and again. I've had a few things on the go all summer but nothing really that has made me want to jump for joy or even want to talk about.

I have a tendancy of falling into the same pattern. Someone catches my eye, I'm totally infatuated for all of a week and then I get bored and tell them to fuck off. And I wonder why I'm still single. My friends keep telling me that I need to quit being so picky and finding faults where they don't exist, but I can't help it. It's either that or finding men who are already in relationships to fool around with.

There has got to be someone out there who a) isn't intimidated by me b) is willing to be super adventurous and c) at least a little bit good looking. I'm just sick of doing this all on my own. I would really really like to be able to lean at least a little bit on someone. And I know I have amazing friends and more love from my "brothers" then I could ever ask for, but it's not the same.

This weekend I went out to a club and met a guy. He's totally not any type of relationship material but even just the feeling of the way he looked at me made me feel better. I'm sure it didn't help that I was high as fuck on a beautiful cocktail of things that make you feel like a superstar, but when he would catch my eye my body quivered. I want that feeling again and again....Maybe I just want drugs. They almost seem easier. But I want to get stupid and be able to go home with them. I want to wake up next to them and share that same shitty hangover feeling but at least we're sharing it together. I want to dance around in my socks and underwear with them and laugh at their shitty jokes so they laugh at mine. I want to yell and scream and fight just to have makeup sex.

I want to be loved by someone who I can love in return. I want to be pretty and skinny with tits and a nice ass. I want full lips and little hips and eyes as big as the moon. I want perfect hair and stylist flare and an undeniable sense of matter. Where the fuck is my yellow brick road?

Friday, July 3, 2009

Neckercheifs...Gay or just artsey?


This week was so fucked up. Not really in a bad sorta way, it was just weird.

To begin with, I just want to wish everyone (who's Canadian) a very happy belated Canada day! And to you Americans out there, Happy early 4th of July! This year Canada day fell on a Wednesday so I spent the majority of yesterday thinking it was Monday and most of today trying to motivate myself to work. Didn't happen.

Also, fun fact: Did you know that they put expiry dates on prescriptions for a reason? My back was really sore and admittedly I wanted to actually get some sleep so I dug around in my medicine cabinet for my trusty bottle of Robax avec codeine. Eureka, I found them! Looking at the bottle I noticed that the expiry was sometime in 2007. Now, being the skeptic that I am I assumed that they put the date on there so that people buy new drugs and the pharmaceutical company makes money. False, they put them on there so that you know when they a) stop working, and b) so you don't get sick when you take them. Both occured in my case. On the bright side I purged everything that I had eaten earlier that day. Also, because of the general haze surrounding me and the SEVER stomach cramps I didn't consume anything but green tea and water. If it werent for the feeling of death, I would do it more often.

Today wasn't to bad, I drank a lot of coffee tho. I had a bite of my friends Pad thai for lunch and some salad for dinner. I worked out for an hour (half an hour run, 10 min. core strengh, 10 min upper body, 10 min stretching and cool down) so I feel pretty good. I'm 4 lbs away from my July goal of 105 and its only the first. Now if only I can keep up the trend. Fingers crossed. Only vodka water if I go out and absolutly no midnight snacking.

For now tho I'm pretty tired. Work drained me pretty bad and I'm feeling pretty shitty still since the robax incident. My love to all of you! Stay strong; Think Thin
xoxo
Kitty

Sunday, June 28, 2009

A New Chapter..

Unfortunately it's still in the same book, following the same story line.

First, I want to apologize to everyone for my absence from my blog. Shit really hit the fan and I shut down pretty completely.

But here I am. I missed you all so much and I am craving your support more than anything right now. I hope that this finds you all enjoying the summer and staying strong! Super duper shout out to Jamie, such a sweetheart, your e-mail brought me back to life so to speak.

I am single, completely. I ended things with C and it was really scary for a while, I didn't know what to do but I'm working it out and realizing that I am better without him. Something will come along, I know it. I just have to keep my eyes open for that one that catches my eye. And he will.

I have an amazing new job that I think in the long term will be really helpful with my career. Also, it's come with some pretty great bragging rights for the new school year. Yay!

My eating hasn't been to bad recently, I'm still searching for a good supplement for weight loss or appetite suppression, does anyone recommend any? Also, I'm thinking of starting the P90X system, does anyone have any opinions on it?

I'm so glad to be back! I missed you all so much, I am so so so sorry again for ever leaving. I hope you all don't think that I'm a total flake...

Stay Strong and Think Thin, as always!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Forgive me please!

It's been so long and I am so sorry.

Things have been out of control and I have been so ashamed I couldn't even bring myself to confide to you all.

I finally told C that I've had enough and can't be with him anymore. I've never been more depressed in my life, and resorted to the oldest of habits. Drinking, coke, and as many diet pills I can shove in my mouth. I reached rock bottom on sunday when I passed out and my friend took me to the hospital.

I thought I could forget, I thought the pain would go away.

I ate for the first time something other than a slimfast shake today. I felt ok but I can't shake this dark feeling.

I'm sorry this is short. I need some sleep.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Brain Flavored Zombie Mints

I'm feeling pretty good today. I spent the day with the ponies again. Mucking stalls, feeding, turning in and out, sweeping and burned a total of almost 1500 cal. I didn't ride but by the end of the day I was exhausted! I managed to keep to a low cal smoothie at 11 this morning and then a very small piece of salmon and 3 pieces of broccoli at dinner with my dad.

I am loosing control in some areas tho.

Cupcake and I have slept together again. I'm now almost positive that he is using me strictly for sex. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. On one hand I'm ecstatic that I'm still getting his attention, on the other hand I feel like a cheap piece of meat to be taken at his choosing. All of my friends that I talk to about it say I need to confront him and make him choose but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to lose his friendship, I love him dearly.

Fuck. Que frustration eating in 3...2...1...

My father (trying to be loving and honestly does it out of the good of his heart!) bought rocky road ice-cream. I haven't touched it yet and I have "It's a slippery slope down the rocky road!" written all over my mirror beside the 3 R's. I hope this is enough to keep me away. I need some serious supplements tho. Does anyone know of any that they have found that suppress appetite really well or that they particularly like?

I started a new Thin-spo journal. I took one of my old sketch books and glued pictures from the internet and different mags in. I put in a section for workouts, food, thinspo, quotes and then just general journal entries. I love blogging but I still keep my own journals for that little bit extra sometimes.

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. I fucking HATE-no scratch that- I LOATHE the dentist! They always give you those disapproving looks and my gums always bleed. I brush my teeth, I swear to god, ok maybe sometimes to often, but every god damn time I go to the dentist my gums bleed like english royalty. And then they tell me that my oral hygiene isn't good enough and that my gums shouldn't be doing that and that I should quit smoking because its only adding to the problem. And then comes the needles. I am totally ok with needles. In fact I take some sort of sick pleasure getting blood drawn, but I can not handle getting needles in my mouth. I also don't like it when people are standing over me and talking. It creeps me out, I get all nervous and antsy in the pantsy. And to make matters worse, it's a 9 am appointment. Fuck. That. Shit. Terrified.

However it will give me a fantastic excuse to not eat for the entire day and possibly even two. And then my dad goes away for the long weekend.

Do I see a 5 day fast coming on? Who's with me?

I'm sorry this post is kinda random, my brain is pretty scattered rite now. Hopefully things mellow out soon.

I love you all! Your comments mean so much to me! Stay strong and think thin!
xoxo
Kitty

PS. Jamie I'm so glad to see you back and blogging!!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Holy fuck hangover...Oh well I had a fantastic night.


So I was reading through some of the other blogs, both the ones that I follow and the ones that I surf randomly and I realized that everyone has their story posted at least once on what brought them to this point in their lives, except me. Yet.

Here it goes, I suppose.

I was born in Calgary Alberta in 1988 seven years after my lovely sister Becca.
When I was younger, my parents really wanted me to have a well rounded education. So when I was three I was out on the slopes skiing, by 6 I was in piano (although I was "dismissed" by the school as I refused to practice) but what I really loved was dance.
At 4 my parents enlisted me in ballet classes. I stuck with it and really excelled, working through my grades and adding more dance classes and different styles along the years. Eventually I was in ballet, pointe, jazz, tap and acro. I was on my way to being the premia ballerina, and thats all I wanted.
And with any sport that you want to excel at, there are certain sacrifices that you have to make. And I was more than willing to make those if I got to be the best. I had amazing dance teachers who consistently pushed me to reach my dreams. But my life isn't a Disney movie and I'm not a dance princess now am I?
By the age of 12 I had restricted myself to a 600 cal. per day diet. I was at the studio from the time I got off school until at least 9 at night. I ate only raw veggies and drank only water. I weighed a total of 65 lbs. When I looked at the other girls in my class I was the thinnest and looked the part to a T. My teachers loved me, I did whatever they told me to (diet restrictions, exorcise, the whole shebang) but my parents began to notice.
When I was around 10 my only extra curricular was dance, so they also signed me up for horse back riding as well. It wasn't what I do now, but mostly trail rides and helping the lady re train abused horses that were bound for slaughter. I had always loved horses, what little girl doesnt? And it was nice to be able to go and take care of something and watch it grow and change, but dance was still number one in my life.
When I was 12 my father got a job transfer to Orlando Florida. I was going into grade 8 and not only moving countries but moving from a strict and very upright private school to a southern American public school. Culture shock central. I didn't take the move well. I found a studio close to my house but it wasn't the same, the prestige wasnt the same and the girls not nearly as motivated as I was. This was also the first time I was sniffed out.
7 months after my 13th birthday my "Mademoiselle" approached my parents about my "obsessive and perfections tendencies", and my "view of the other girls." Some of the other girls would come to use the studio with me, open practice and we would all give each other pointers. My first one was usually, if you want to be the best you have to look the best. How many ballerinas have you seen that have even an ounce of fat on them? I was excused from the studio and put into an out patient treatment center for anorexia nervosa.
Around the same time I started seriously pursuing a riding career. My councilor saw that I couldn't just sit and do nothing that if anything it was making my need for control worse. I would fly into fits of rage around any meal time refusing to eat. I would swim for hours attempting to burn any calories I consumed. So I think in turn, just to get me out of the house and away from her, my mother would drop me off at the barn and return 3 hours later, or on most weekends I would just spend the entire day.
Once again, my need to be the best took hold and I found ways to pay for 3 lessons a week and lease a horse. Naturally my parents helped, covering the cost of at least one lesson and half of the lease board. I was quickly working my way up the ranks on the Florida Dressage circuit showing at SUN. and Rocking Horse frequently. I was in the best shape of my life working 4 days a week at the barn and riding 6 of the 7 as well as being a member of my high schools cross country running team. My parents grew easier on me as my outlandish personality began to move aside and with the extra amounts of physical labor, my need to eat just to continue to function allowed them to believe that I had "recovered".
But I was clever, or so I thought. I would evaluate every single task I did, calculating exactly how many calories I burned per week. I began to keep food, and exorcise journals and smoking. By 15 I was short listed for the Young Riders dressage team. And also delivered the most devastating news of my athletic riding career.
My family was moving back to Canada. No more Dressage, no more dreams of being an Olympian and worst of all during the moving my parents found not only my journals but all of my pills (lax, ephedrine, the whole shebang). I was shipped up to Canada and put into a facility for 3 months the summer before grade 11.
I hated them. I didn't talk to either my mother or my father for six months. I couldnt stand even to look at them. This facility brought me to my HW and total self loathing. After six months living in Toronto, I found a job at a shitty riding stable teaching lessons and breaking (now my) a cute little mare named Annie.
I was ostracized at school, known as the girl with the funny southern accent. I became a hermit throwing myself into such foul moods that even I couldnt stand me. I was just about to turn 16 when my father finally broke down and bought me my first horse. Desperate to find some way to make me smile again.
I spent every day at the barn. I lost all the weight I had put on from treatment and began to feel good again. I kept to myself at school mostly, loathing the sight of them for what they had said about me behind my back. But I made one friend. She was ana as well but fortunately for her came from a much larger family that didnt keep track as well as mine did. We would spend all of our class time together talking about different diets, distractions, exorcises, everything. She was my original thin-spo. She was beautiful, slightly taller then I am, 5'8'' and 95lbs maybe. Also the originator of the "Bones are Beautiful".
Unfortunately her parents caught on and right after graduation she was admitted to treatment. I, however, went on to take my horse to school with me and learned the method of binge and purge. It was my first real time away from home, away from the meal plans but also away from my comfort zone. Drinking was every night, parties, beer, fried food, everything that comes with college life. Within the first six months of my first year I had gained back to my H.W. I panicked, I threw myself into such a state that I gave myself an ulcer. I couldnt eat, sleep, ride, nothing. All I did was throw up. By the summer I was once again 100 lbs. My second year resolve was much greater.
I was also in love. I knew from the second I saw him that I loved him. He was perfect, tall, strong, fit, into eating healthy, funny. Everything. We kept a torrid relationship for roughly 8 months, the majority of which was spent fighting or having bitter conversation, but when it was good--oh it was magic. Eventually he slept with my best friend and abandoned me at the height of my second gastric ulcer in under a year. Graduation day came and I refuse to see him again.
For as much as I hated my parents the are good at causing their own distractions. After my grad, my mother announced that she was moving back to Florida. Leaving my father and I in Toronto. I didnt know what to do. I had no career hopes, and a family that was falling apart, the only control I had was me. I began to do long term liquid only fasts. 15 or 20 days at a time. I refused most food claiming that I still had to hard of a time because of the ulcer. My parents were to distracted to notice.
I applied to local colleges, choosing to stay at home due to lack of money or a life plan. I live alone with my dad, who travels so much on business that I mind as well just pretend he doesnt live here. It allows me to restrict myself and fast on the days that he's away without much notice being taken. He likes to cook so he makes dinner every night that he's home but I just account for that and eat the one meal a day.
And that puts me where I am now. After weighing myself yesterday I am at 103 and am beginning a restriction diet for 2 weeks as of monday. Only raw fruit and veggies, only water to drink.
I know this post kind of rambled on, not saying much of anything really. I just wanted to share my (abridged) history with an ED. Obviously there is much much more to it but I didnt want to get too carried away.
I love you all! Stay strong and think thin!
xoxo Kitty
Ps. I saw a girl wearing a red bracelet last night, it made me wonder.

Friday, May 8, 2009

A Day of Ups and Downs

Oh glory be the three "R"s work! I ate nothing but 2 fresh rolls all day and got an ass kicking at the barn!

I rode 3 horses and mucked 3 stalls and swept the isles. My knee's are a little swollen and it hurts to climb stairs a little but its so worth it...wait for it...

100.0 even! And I know its not just from water weight.

I've been restricting (ok so chocolate at 2 doesn't count but I couldn't stop myself. I tried) and jogging and today was a fantastic workout. I feel great.

Really...I do...I think

Oh sigh, its never all good is it?

I called him cupcake because he was simply a sample of the larger cake that should be awaiting me. But, a cupcake doesn't last nearly as long as an actual cake does, does it? No, it is simply a portion of the greater. And I have come to realize that all is left of my Cupcake is crumbs and the paper wrapper. I have consumed it all, gorged myself, binged.

So now I must purge him from my body. He will always be my best friend, no questions asked. But never again my lover. It has become clear that I am not going to be taking the place of her. He hasn't said anything but I can feel it.

Oh well better to see and prepare for it, than get blind-sided by a semi.

So the hunt continues.

Edith Beale once said "All I want in life, Mr. Gould is a dance partner."

I feel much the same. Well I think it's time I threw some ice on my knees and called it a night. I'm not sad you know. I thought I would be but I'm not. I'm not even bitter, I almost wish I felt more than I do.

As Skinnylove says on her blog

Refuse, Resist, Restrict And as always, stay strong and think thin!
xoxo

Thursday, May 7, 2009

do it!


Oh I am so sorry that I've been so awful lately about updating. My computer had a super shitty virus and it was making blogging intensely difficult.

So I came back to Toronto on Sunday and flew in thru Buffalo. The wait at the boarder was over 2 hours! But it gave me time to organize things with my Cupcake. He was over at my house not even 30 seconds after we had gotten home.

We had fantastic sex. He makes me feel so beautiful. And even better is he is so supportive.

Since I got back I've been bad about chocolate (I cant stop, its almost scary) I was telling him about it and how much I hate myself for it. He took all of the chocolate from my room and not just threw it out but threw it away out of the house. He said he would punish me if I ate any more of it. I love him :)

Shit my friend just rang my doorbell. I'm sorry this is so short. I really need some thinspireation

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Working hard to look lazy

Well it's my last day in sunny hot Florida and I am burnt to a slight crisp. Well really just my shoulders. I have a great triangle tit tan going on, I'm sure lovely to anyone who see's me naked. Not that that's really anyone.

I'm so anxious to get home that I can't sleep. So I figured I would blog to clear my head a little.

Today wasn't great in terms of food:
Grande coffee frapp lite
1/2 low fat cranberry lemon scone
15 rock shrimp (oh god they were so delicious)
1/4 cup steamed long grain rice
15 or so green beans

I purged about 20 minutes ago, shrimp the second time wasn't nearly as good.

My Ma and I went to the beach and I went for a nice long run and then a dip in the ocean. It was so amazingly hot and the water was nice and cool it felt really nice. I wish that I could live on the beach, I love the ocean. I forget about everything when I'm sitting there, watching the waves and the tide. One day maybe.

I will miss my dog when I leave here. He's so cute and cuddly, I love him to death. I love dogs, they give unconditional love no matter what. He doesn't care how out of control I feel I've spun, he's always there to curl up on my lap and lick my face.

Well I think it's time to play some sort of game to make me fall asleep, tetris anyone?

Friday, May 1, 2009

Mayday, mayday!

Yay! Aprils over and May has begun! Summer is on its way! Only 2 days until my triumphant return to the great white north (Toronto) and I have made resolutions. Ok so I know that's a January thing but who says you can't start late?
  1. As of Monday 1 week fast (3 lbs gained from vaca, MUST BE LOST)
  2. Back to strict workout regime, boot camp's got nuttin on me!
  3. Absolutely NO refined sugar (including drinks at the bar, G&T ONLY if I'm going to have any)
  4. Drink more water
  5. Win back my Cupcake (if lost)
  6. Keep up my tan
  7. Get my hair done
Ok so the last ones not really a resolution it just needs to happen. I should probably put quit smoking on there somewhere but I know I wont keep that one so theres no need to lie to myself. Especally seeing as how I'm buying a carton of Marbie lights at duty free :P.

I'm so inspired by the other blogs, I'm so glad to see that I'm not the only one that struggles with cravings! I did pretty well today tho:
  • 1 hardboiled egg (70 Cal)
  • 1 Grande coffee frapp Lite
  • 1/2 cup orzo
  • enough water to make my bladder want to explode and my kidneys drown
I also took the dog for a 45 min. walk and went swimming for half an hour. I'm getting pretty lazy with my workouts but its hard to find motivation when your on vacation. Well that and I dont have the same equipment that I do at home (i.e. a full gym at my disposal).

So also, I learned today that my favorite-what I thought was safe-treat, Booster Juice fruit smoothies are like crazy high in cal. I'm pretty bummed about it, but I think I can make ones that arent as bad at home. I just need to invest in a blender. Does anyone have any low fat, low cal smoothie recipes?

Speaking of low cal. So I have always had a soft spot in my heart for sweet potatoes, much healthier then regular potatoes and lower in cal (204 compared to almost 300). Any who, I dont eat fries as they are sooo bad for you, but I make my own baked sweet potato fries that are much healthier and are also low cal when I feel like treating myself. All you have to do is slice the S.P. into steak fry size wedges VERY LIGHTLY brush them with extra virgin olive oil and a little curry powder bake in the oven (DO NOT FRY! that's where all the bad stuff comes from) at 400 for 25 min or until the ends turn brown and enjoy. I only make them once in a blue moon and mostly when I have company over so that I can eat something and not look suspicious, but if you are feeling indulgent or need a cover up food I highly suggest! Sometimes if my Dad is breathing down my back or starts to question my eating habits, I'll make these and he shuts up, not only because he's shoving his face with them but also because he'll see me nibble them.

I know some of you will criticize me for posting a recipe but I think that its OK to have "safe foods". I know how hard it is, especially if you live at home with parents, to restrict or fast so I just wanted to offer a better alternative to a food that I know some people crave. I hope is more of a help than a hindrance.

Stay strong and think thin!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Oh my tongue's the only muscle of my body that works harder than my heart

How the hell is it only thursday?

You know, everyone says that when your on vacation the days just "fly by". Untrue.

Maybe its the anticipation of seeing C again (pretty sure he comes home tonight late from Mexico, hopefully swine flu free) or the fact that my ma shoves food down my throat--but my flight outta here on sunday can't come soon enough.

I'm also grumpy because I'm sunburnt.

I just miss my home in Toronto. My own bed, my own stuff; I'm a homesick puppy. That and my Dad isn't home as much so I can control my meals much easier. I can feel the vacation weight like an elephant on my ass, oh no wait that elephant is my ass. Fuck.

On the upside, I went to the beach today. It was amazing. Not a cloud in the sky, hotter then hell weather, warm-ish ocean. Perfect. I love the feeling of ocean salt on my skin, in my hair, everywhere but up my nose really. I'm so tired tho, the sun takes so much out of you.

I got some texts from C one on the 27th and the other on the 25th I think its a good sign but I'm so anxious. I guess there's not much I can do if he turns me away but move on and forget about it. Oh please god don't let that happen. I know that my last post was kind of melodramatic but I cant help it. There's so much inside of me that I want to say to him, that I need to say. I hate this waiting game, it sucks.

I feel like throwing up, it's the only control I have right now. I hate this, I want to go home. Where the hell are my ruby slippers? It doesn't help that anxiety always gives me a stomach ache.

I know this post has been really random, I'm just super out of sorts right now. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control of everything. But here are lyrics from my favorite song Jesus Christ by Brand New. Stay strong and Think thin!

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Melpomene


Oh my darling. Have you forgotten me? Do you miss me like I miss you? Wrapped in your shroud, I beg to know.

I can see you, with her, sleeping in your arms. Do you still dream of me? Or has your heart moved past. I lay myself at the alter of my mental shrine and beg for an answer of any kind.

Choking, I gasp at the chance to breathe your sent and taste your sweet lips. If only one last time.

Damn you!

This unrelenting need to feel the weight of your body on top of mine is more than I can stand. Come back to me, your head should rest on my shoulder. Let me carry the weight of your burdens, for they are nothing to me if they put you at ease.

Close your eyes my sweetheart, rest your weary eyes, in the morning you will see.

She doesn't deserve you. She's a leech, sucking your talent and desire dry, bleeding you out. Let me be your Muse, for she is just a Siren leading you to an island of torment and strife.

Has her song won your heart again and have you already set sail never to return to my arms? Oh please, I have waited for this love for too long.

When I see you next will you shy away from my touch? Like a hand on a flame, burnt emotions filling the room in a thick haze. Or will you open your arms and embrace me?

Hold me and let me feel your heart, the steady rhythm is so soothing to my mind.

My control is slipping slowly out of my fingers. What will I do if you turn my heart away? I can not be your friend, I deserve to be so much more. As you have become so much more to me.

If you deny me and I look back, will I turn to a pillar of salt? An eternity as salt is kinder than an eternity without your gentle whisper in my ear.

This fear grips me tighter then I could ever imagine. Constrict me and kill me, this ambiguity is to painful.

I need a cigarette.

Can't snap with chocolate in my hand, that shit gets messy

First off, I would just like to say a SUPER HUGE thank you to all of you that are reading and following my posts! I love how supportive this community is, and if there is anyone that is looking for a buddy or just needs someone to talk to, I would be more than happy to lend an ear! I know how hard this can get sometimes, family pressure, friends, and even just yourself. Always think thin and keep your chin up!

I noticed that the majority of you bloggers have their CW, GW, HW, LW etc. I haven't done measurements in a while (they tend to make me dispise myself that much more) but I like the idea of weights. Maybe I'll get brave and whip out the tape measure one of these days...

Height: 5'7''
CW: 113.5
HW:125
LW:87
GW: 105

I miss the days of ephedra...

I sometimes envy the girls that can purge. I can if I've totaly binged, but when that happens I usually feel sick anyway and end up throwing up simply because of the amount I ate and not because I chose to. I mostly resort to fasting and diet supplaments to keep on track. Well that and the help of my other ana sisters!

Sorry this is kinda short, but I also wanted to post a picture of myself, call this a tribute post!

This was taken around my HW :(

Stay strong, think thin!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Dear America,

Thank you for the recession so that I can shop 'till my hearts content and not have to spend much money! Also, thank you for having a population that the majority of is obese so that I:

a) feel better about my current weight
and also
b) affirm the path that I am on and continue to strive for my GW

Consumption for today:
1 Grande skinny caramel Mach. from Starbucks (no sugar, fat free milk)
1 cup french onion soup broth
1/2 cup orzo
1/2 cup mixed greens with feta cheese and 1 tbs no fat south beach dressing
10 or so grams of steak (family dinner forced to eat it, yuck!)

On the other hand I took my dog for 2 walks and spent most of the day shopping and walking around the mall. I also went swimming for about half an hour so I feel pretty good. Also, I have managed to cut down my smoking to only one ciggy a day. However, this is fully out of necessity as my ma doesn't know I smoke and would wring my neck if she found out. It's my dog and my little secret. Thank god he can't talk or I would be up shit creek without a paddle. And probably banished to a nunnery (and not the fun and crazy "SEND THEE TO A NUNNERY" Hamlet type ether).

Ahh well, he can't so I'm saved.

In sad news, one of our ana sisters blog was found by her family and from what I know deleted, I wish her all the luck in the world and I hope she knows that I support her fully with whatever choices she makes regarding her family and her body. Good luck Jamie, times are tough now but keep your chin up and everything will be ok!

As I mentioned in the previous post, my darling C is gallivanting in Mexico with his girlfriend. I asked myself if wishing Swine Flu upon her was mean, the conclusion was yes. With my luck she would contract it, give it to him and then in turn infect me. So I will refrain from evil swine thoughts, however it won't stop me from sabotaging the way he feels about her and continuing to woo him with naughty e-mails and text msgs.

Any hints for some naughty things to say to him? I know someone does ;)

In other news,
my computer is riddled with viruses (I guess that means I have to stop looking at porn, damn!) and has been nothing but a pain in the ass all day. Getting messages about things I have no idea about, pressing enter, probably only making things worse. I think I've cleaned most of them but god only knows. I hate technology.

Side note: I just squished a bug on my computer screen. Fucking gross, but perhaps ironic?

I'm wearing C's sweater and it smells like him. Slightly maddening but at the same time the most comfortable I've felt in a long time.

Stay strong! Think thin!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Somtimes I sit on the bench and watch the grass grow..

I did it! God damn it I did it. My first year of College is over! Holy god do I feel fantastic about it. I'm almost positive I passed all my classes and errrry thing. Now if only I could do so well for myself.

Fuck

Actually I wasn't to bad today. I had a coffee and the top of whole grain muffin at about 9 this morning and lots and lots of water for the rest of the day. I'm going on a date again tonight, I dont think we are going for supper tho. A relief to say the least.

Also, I'm going to Florida to see my Ma tomorrow. It'll be so nice to get a tan again, sit on the beach, chill by the pool. Cupcake is in Mexico with her right now. But he sent me texts up until the flight took off and then even one once he landed. I'm unsure of roaming from Mexico but I imagine it cant be cheep. He's so sweet to think of me. We'll see if he misses me by day 5 tho. Actually I'm pretty confidant in my hold on that, but I will hedge my bets for now.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, I made him a care package. Just little goodies for the airplane trip to keep him amused. A sports illustrated, quiz/puzzle book, Men's Health, handful of Wurthers, Campino's and a bag of Sour Skittles (His fave). And a little naughty note ;) A tip to all girls out there, care packages are the way to a mans heart. Don't put anything frilly (unless its a pair of your panties ohh lala) but all things that you think he might enjoy and make him think of you. Sometimes I'll put little mini sunscreen bottles, or travel sized nessissities. Whatever you think would make him smile.

I cant wait to go swimming again! Swim Swim Swim! And SHOPPING!!!! Oh I cant wait! Shoes, Shirts, Skirts! And I've met my GW so hopefully I'll be able to get everything I want and look decent in it.

I got a really nice msg from my ana buddy! She seems like such a sweet heart! Whenever I'm about to cave I think of her, and the rest of you, that (might) read this and have such diligence and control. And I take a sip of tea and close the fridge and slowly back away. And then I go brush my teeth! A clean mouth is a mouth less likely to want to consume. Or I go for a smoke, but teeth brushing is much healthier.

But for now I think it's time to take a nap, well drink more water and then take a nap. Maybe concoct some dream where my boys duel for my love...*sigh*

A girl can dream can't she? Oh well.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Wake Up and Smell the Fucking Bacon Grease

Revolting, no?

I cant imagine a worse thing to wake up to. Not that I much like waking up anyway. That moment that your body surrenders from sweet, undisturbed sleep, to the hard waking life of the world. That sicking sweet smell of bacon grease.

I went on a date last night. He was nice, sweet enough. But my Cupcake. Oh my darling Cupcake.

I have a secret. I am madly in love with someone, I call him Cupcake because he is my secret desire. And he is just like a cupcake to me, I only eat it in secret and despise myself when I even think of it. I'm just his mistress, but one day maybe when I can learn to control and become beautiful...I envy the girl that has him. But believe me when it say she may hold his hand but I hold his heart. And to her, be careful, his eyes have strayed and I will do everything in my power to keep them on me.

Back to the point. I went to the gym yesterday.
45 Min at 65 on the elliptical
4 sets of lunges with 8 lbs weights
30 seconds of flutter kicks
10 push ups
4 sets leg lifts
8 ball ab isolation
30 medicine ball rotations

I weighed myself when I got home was 100 lbs, but I knew it was water weight that I had lost.

I had stew for dinner last night and steak and baked potato and green beans and salad tonight. I've managed to cut down to one meal, but Pa insists on eating supper together when he's home and its hard to escape. I feel disgusting. Fuck.

Thin-spire me friends. Please!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

My First!


Ohhh baby pop my cherry cauz here we go.

I've never made a blog like this before, I've been a purest for so long writing only in journals for fear of people actually reading something. Keeping secrets in books forever. I have an ana buddy who has a blog, I guess its good to have somewhere that can be anonymous but still get support from others. I don't know if anyone will read this or if they even care, but why not right?

I hate April.

All that April brings is the hardships of Easter, and fucking rain. Along with Christmas there is no worse holiday. The entire family gathered around engaging in the most gluttonous and sickening activities. Why in the world would would any one holiday need both turkey and ham? Watching people pile potatoes and stuffing etc. into their mouths by the shovel makes me feel sick. And as if it wasn't bad enough, with the family staring down their noses at you at the dinner table ("you haven't touched your MOUNTAIN of food K" "oh sorry Auntie Kath, but I'm not a FUCKING PIG like you, you fat bitch") but next comes the sweets.

Oh delicious chocolate; for the devil resides in your melt-y goodness. Sweet sweet loathing. Devine sacrafice as you graze my lips and delight my tounge. Push apart self restraint and feed the devil within me.

And even if I can resist for the day, the night creeps in like a NAVY SEAL and TKO's my ass.

1:00 AM- "NO! Bad Kitty you don't want it. It's not as delectable as you think it is. Just roll over and close your eyes, dont think about it."
1:10 AM- "Some water will help, just dont think about it, see not that bad. Right?"
1:20 AM- "Fuck....Fuckiety fuck" it calls out: "Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty. Come here darling and eat me. Its clear you want to, just a bite. A moursal, no harm"
1:30 AM- "Nom, nom, nom, nom" The bunny screams: "NOOOOOOOOO MY EARS!"

Sigh, it will be my forever undoing.

Well it's off to the gym to stop feeling discusting.