Thursday, April 30, 2009

Oh my tongue's the only muscle of my body that works harder than my heart

How the hell is it only thursday?

You know, everyone says that when your on vacation the days just "fly by". Untrue.

Maybe its the anticipation of seeing C again (pretty sure he comes home tonight late from Mexico, hopefully swine flu free) or the fact that my ma shoves food down my throat--but my flight outta here on sunday can't come soon enough.

I'm also grumpy because I'm sunburnt.

I just miss my home in Toronto. My own bed, my own stuff; I'm a homesick puppy. That and my Dad isn't home as much so I can control my meals much easier. I can feel the vacation weight like an elephant on my ass, oh no wait that elephant is my ass. Fuck.

On the upside, I went to the beach today. It was amazing. Not a cloud in the sky, hotter then hell weather, warm-ish ocean. Perfect. I love the feeling of ocean salt on my skin, in my hair, everywhere but up my nose really. I'm so tired tho, the sun takes so much out of you.

I got some texts from C one on the 27th and the other on the 25th I think its a good sign but I'm so anxious. I guess there's not much I can do if he turns me away but move on and forget about it. Oh please god don't let that happen. I know that my last post was kind of melodramatic but I cant help it. There's so much inside of me that I want to say to him, that I need to say. I hate this waiting game, it sucks.

I feel like throwing up, it's the only control I have right now. I hate this, I want to go home. Where the hell are my ruby slippers? It doesn't help that anxiety always gives me a stomach ache.

I know this post has been really random, I'm just super out of sorts right now. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control of everything. But here are lyrics from my favorite song Jesus Christ by Brand New. Stay strong and Think thin!

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Melpomene


Oh my darling. Have you forgotten me? Do you miss me like I miss you? Wrapped in your shroud, I beg to know.

I can see you, with her, sleeping in your arms. Do you still dream of me? Or has your heart moved past. I lay myself at the alter of my mental shrine and beg for an answer of any kind.

Choking, I gasp at the chance to breathe your sent and taste your sweet lips. If only one last time.

Damn you!

This unrelenting need to feel the weight of your body on top of mine is more than I can stand. Come back to me, your head should rest on my shoulder. Let me carry the weight of your burdens, for they are nothing to me if they put you at ease.

Close your eyes my sweetheart, rest your weary eyes, in the morning you will see.

She doesn't deserve you. She's a leech, sucking your talent and desire dry, bleeding you out. Let me be your Muse, for she is just a Siren leading you to an island of torment and strife.

Has her song won your heart again and have you already set sail never to return to my arms? Oh please, I have waited for this love for too long.

When I see you next will you shy away from my touch? Like a hand on a flame, burnt emotions filling the room in a thick haze. Or will you open your arms and embrace me?

Hold me and let me feel your heart, the steady rhythm is so soothing to my mind.

My control is slipping slowly out of my fingers. What will I do if you turn my heart away? I can not be your friend, I deserve to be so much more. As you have become so much more to me.

If you deny me and I look back, will I turn to a pillar of salt? An eternity as salt is kinder than an eternity without your gentle whisper in my ear.

This fear grips me tighter then I could ever imagine. Constrict me and kill me, this ambiguity is to painful.

I need a cigarette.

Can't snap with chocolate in my hand, that shit gets messy

First off, I would just like to say a SUPER HUGE thank you to all of you that are reading and following my posts! I love how supportive this community is, and if there is anyone that is looking for a buddy or just needs someone to talk to, I would be more than happy to lend an ear! I know how hard this can get sometimes, family pressure, friends, and even just yourself. Always think thin and keep your chin up!

I noticed that the majority of you bloggers have their CW, GW, HW, LW etc. I haven't done measurements in a while (they tend to make me dispise myself that much more) but I like the idea of weights. Maybe I'll get brave and whip out the tape measure one of these days...

Height: 5'7''
CW: 113.5
HW:125
LW:87
GW: 105

I miss the days of ephedra...

I sometimes envy the girls that can purge. I can if I've totaly binged, but when that happens I usually feel sick anyway and end up throwing up simply because of the amount I ate and not because I chose to. I mostly resort to fasting and diet supplaments to keep on track. Well that and the help of my other ana sisters!

Sorry this is kinda short, but I also wanted to post a picture of myself, call this a tribute post!

This was taken around my HW :(

Stay strong, think thin!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Dear America,

Thank you for the recession so that I can shop 'till my hearts content and not have to spend much money! Also, thank you for having a population that the majority of is obese so that I:

a) feel better about my current weight
and also
b) affirm the path that I am on and continue to strive for my GW

Consumption for today:
1 Grande skinny caramel Mach. from Starbucks (no sugar, fat free milk)
1 cup french onion soup broth
1/2 cup orzo
1/2 cup mixed greens with feta cheese and 1 tbs no fat south beach dressing
10 or so grams of steak (family dinner forced to eat it, yuck!)

On the other hand I took my dog for 2 walks and spent most of the day shopping and walking around the mall. I also went swimming for about half an hour so I feel pretty good. Also, I have managed to cut down my smoking to only one ciggy a day. However, this is fully out of necessity as my ma doesn't know I smoke and would wring my neck if she found out. It's my dog and my little secret. Thank god he can't talk or I would be up shit creek without a paddle. And probably banished to a nunnery (and not the fun and crazy "SEND THEE TO A NUNNERY" Hamlet type ether).

Ahh well, he can't so I'm saved.

In sad news, one of our ana sisters blog was found by her family and from what I know deleted, I wish her all the luck in the world and I hope she knows that I support her fully with whatever choices she makes regarding her family and her body. Good luck Jamie, times are tough now but keep your chin up and everything will be ok!

As I mentioned in the previous post, my darling C is gallivanting in Mexico with his girlfriend. I asked myself if wishing Swine Flu upon her was mean, the conclusion was yes. With my luck she would contract it, give it to him and then in turn infect me. So I will refrain from evil swine thoughts, however it won't stop me from sabotaging the way he feels about her and continuing to woo him with naughty e-mails and text msgs.

Any hints for some naughty things to say to him? I know someone does ;)

In other news,
my computer is riddled with viruses (I guess that means I have to stop looking at porn, damn!) and has been nothing but a pain in the ass all day. Getting messages about things I have no idea about, pressing enter, probably only making things worse. I think I've cleaned most of them but god only knows. I hate technology.

Side note: I just squished a bug on my computer screen. Fucking gross, but perhaps ironic?

I'm wearing C's sweater and it smells like him. Slightly maddening but at the same time the most comfortable I've felt in a long time.

Stay strong! Think thin!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Somtimes I sit on the bench and watch the grass grow..

I did it! God damn it I did it. My first year of College is over! Holy god do I feel fantastic about it. I'm almost positive I passed all my classes and errrry thing. Now if only I could do so well for myself.

Fuck

Actually I wasn't to bad today. I had a coffee and the top of whole grain muffin at about 9 this morning and lots and lots of water for the rest of the day. I'm going on a date again tonight, I dont think we are going for supper tho. A relief to say the least.

Also, I'm going to Florida to see my Ma tomorrow. It'll be so nice to get a tan again, sit on the beach, chill by the pool. Cupcake is in Mexico with her right now. But he sent me texts up until the flight took off and then even one once he landed. I'm unsure of roaming from Mexico but I imagine it cant be cheep. He's so sweet to think of me. We'll see if he misses me by day 5 tho. Actually I'm pretty confidant in my hold on that, but I will hedge my bets for now.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, I made him a care package. Just little goodies for the airplane trip to keep him amused. A sports illustrated, quiz/puzzle book, Men's Health, handful of Wurthers, Campino's and a bag of Sour Skittles (His fave). And a little naughty note ;) A tip to all girls out there, care packages are the way to a mans heart. Don't put anything frilly (unless its a pair of your panties ohh lala) but all things that you think he might enjoy and make him think of you. Sometimes I'll put little mini sunscreen bottles, or travel sized nessissities. Whatever you think would make him smile.

I cant wait to go swimming again! Swim Swim Swim! And SHOPPING!!!! Oh I cant wait! Shoes, Shirts, Skirts! And I've met my GW so hopefully I'll be able to get everything I want and look decent in it.

I got a really nice msg from my ana buddy! She seems like such a sweet heart! Whenever I'm about to cave I think of her, and the rest of you, that (might) read this and have such diligence and control. And I take a sip of tea and close the fridge and slowly back away. And then I go brush my teeth! A clean mouth is a mouth less likely to want to consume. Or I go for a smoke, but teeth brushing is much healthier.

But for now I think it's time to take a nap, well drink more water and then take a nap. Maybe concoct some dream where my boys duel for my love...*sigh*

A girl can dream can't she? Oh well.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Wake Up and Smell the Fucking Bacon Grease

Revolting, no?

I cant imagine a worse thing to wake up to. Not that I much like waking up anyway. That moment that your body surrenders from sweet, undisturbed sleep, to the hard waking life of the world. That sicking sweet smell of bacon grease.

I went on a date last night. He was nice, sweet enough. But my Cupcake. Oh my darling Cupcake.

I have a secret. I am madly in love with someone, I call him Cupcake because he is my secret desire. And he is just like a cupcake to me, I only eat it in secret and despise myself when I even think of it. I'm just his mistress, but one day maybe when I can learn to control and become beautiful...I envy the girl that has him. But believe me when it say she may hold his hand but I hold his heart. And to her, be careful, his eyes have strayed and I will do everything in my power to keep them on me.

Back to the point. I went to the gym yesterday.
45 Min at 65 on the elliptical
4 sets of lunges with 8 lbs weights
30 seconds of flutter kicks
10 push ups
4 sets leg lifts
8 ball ab isolation
30 medicine ball rotations

I weighed myself when I got home was 100 lbs, but I knew it was water weight that I had lost.

I had stew for dinner last night and steak and baked potato and green beans and salad tonight. I've managed to cut down to one meal, but Pa insists on eating supper together when he's home and its hard to escape. I feel disgusting. Fuck.

Thin-spire me friends. Please!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

My First!


Ohhh baby pop my cherry cauz here we go.

I've never made a blog like this before, I've been a purest for so long writing only in journals for fear of people actually reading something. Keeping secrets in books forever. I have an ana buddy who has a blog, I guess its good to have somewhere that can be anonymous but still get support from others. I don't know if anyone will read this or if they even care, but why not right?

I hate April.

All that April brings is the hardships of Easter, and fucking rain. Along with Christmas there is no worse holiday. The entire family gathered around engaging in the most gluttonous and sickening activities. Why in the world would would any one holiday need both turkey and ham? Watching people pile potatoes and stuffing etc. into their mouths by the shovel makes me feel sick. And as if it wasn't bad enough, with the family staring down their noses at you at the dinner table ("you haven't touched your MOUNTAIN of food K" "oh sorry Auntie Kath, but I'm not a FUCKING PIG like you, you fat bitch") but next comes the sweets.

Oh delicious chocolate; for the devil resides in your melt-y goodness. Sweet sweet loathing. Devine sacrafice as you graze my lips and delight my tounge. Push apart self restraint and feed the devil within me.

And even if I can resist for the day, the night creeps in like a NAVY SEAL and TKO's my ass.

1:00 AM- "NO! Bad Kitty you don't want it. It's not as delectable as you think it is. Just roll over and close your eyes, dont think about it."
1:10 AM- "Some water will help, just dont think about it, see not that bad. Right?"
1:20 AM- "Fuck....Fuckiety fuck" it calls out: "Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty. Come here darling and eat me. Its clear you want to, just a bite. A moursal, no harm"
1:30 AM- "Nom, nom, nom, nom" The bunny screams: "NOOOOOOOOO MY EARS!"

Sigh, it will be my forever undoing.

Well it's off to the gym to stop feeling discusting.