Thursday, April 30, 2009

Oh my tongue's the only muscle of my body that works harder than my heart

How the hell is it only thursday?

You know, everyone says that when your on vacation the days just "fly by". Untrue.

Maybe its the anticipation of seeing C again (pretty sure he comes home tonight late from Mexico, hopefully swine flu free) or the fact that my ma shoves food down my throat--but my flight outta here on sunday can't come soon enough.

I'm also grumpy because I'm sunburnt.

I just miss my home in Toronto. My own bed, my own stuff; I'm a homesick puppy. That and my Dad isn't home as much so I can control my meals much easier. I can feel the vacation weight like an elephant on my ass, oh no wait that elephant is my ass. Fuck.

On the upside, I went to the beach today. It was amazing. Not a cloud in the sky, hotter then hell weather, warm-ish ocean. Perfect. I love the feeling of ocean salt on my skin, in my hair, everywhere but up my nose really. I'm so tired tho, the sun takes so much out of you.

I got some texts from C one on the 27th and the other on the 25th I think its a good sign but I'm so anxious. I guess there's not much I can do if he turns me away but move on and forget about it. Oh please god don't let that happen. I know that my last post was kind of melodramatic but I cant help it. There's so much inside of me that I want to say to him, that I need to say. I hate this waiting game, it sucks.

I feel like throwing up, it's the only control I have right now. I hate this, I want to go home. Where the hell are my ruby slippers? It doesn't help that anxiety always gives me a stomach ache.

I know this post has been really random, I'm just super out of sorts right now. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control of everything. But here are lyrics from my favorite song Jesus Christ by Brand New. Stay strong and Think thin!

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

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