Monday, May 25, 2009

Forgive me please!

It's been so long and I am so sorry.

Things have been out of control and I have been so ashamed I couldn't even bring myself to confide to you all.

I finally told C that I've had enough and can't be with him anymore. I've never been more depressed in my life, and resorted to the oldest of habits. Drinking, coke, and as many diet pills I can shove in my mouth. I reached rock bottom on sunday when I passed out and my friend took me to the hospital.

I thought I could forget, I thought the pain would go away.

I ate for the first time something other than a slimfast shake today. I felt ok but I can't shake this dark feeling.

I'm sorry this is short. I need some sleep.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Brain Flavored Zombie Mints

I'm feeling pretty good today. I spent the day with the ponies again. Mucking stalls, feeding, turning in and out, sweeping and burned a total of almost 1500 cal. I didn't ride but by the end of the day I was exhausted! I managed to keep to a low cal smoothie at 11 this morning and then a very small piece of salmon and 3 pieces of broccoli at dinner with my dad.

I am loosing control in some areas tho.

Cupcake and I have slept together again. I'm now almost positive that he is using me strictly for sex. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. On one hand I'm ecstatic that I'm still getting his attention, on the other hand I feel like a cheap piece of meat to be taken at his choosing. All of my friends that I talk to about it say I need to confront him and make him choose but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to lose his friendship, I love him dearly.

Fuck. Que frustration eating in 3...2...1...

My father (trying to be loving and honestly does it out of the good of his heart!) bought rocky road ice-cream. I haven't touched it yet and I have "It's a slippery slope down the rocky road!" written all over my mirror beside the 3 R's. I hope this is enough to keep me away. I need some serious supplements tho. Does anyone know of any that they have found that suppress appetite really well or that they particularly like?

I started a new Thin-spo journal. I took one of my old sketch books and glued pictures from the internet and different mags in. I put in a section for workouts, food, thinspo, quotes and then just general journal entries. I love blogging but I still keep my own journals for that little bit extra sometimes.

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. I fucking HATE-no scratch that- I LOATHE the dentist! They always give you those disapproving looks and my gums always bleed. I brush my teeth, I swear to god, ok maybe sometimes to often, but every god damn time I go to the dentist my gums bleed like english royalty. And then they tell me that my oral hygiene isn't good enough and that my gums shouldn't be doing that and that I should quit smoking because its only adding to the problem. And then comes the needles. I am totally ok with needles. In fact I take some sort of sick pleasure getting blood drawn, but I can not handle getting needles in my mouth. I also don't like it when people are standing over me and talking. It creeps me out, I get all nervous and antsy in the pantsy. And to make matters worse, it's a 9 am appointment. Fuck. That. Shit. Terrified.

However it will give me a fantastic excuse to not eat for the entire day and possibly even two. And then my dad goes away for the long weekend.

Do I see a 5 day fast coming on? Who's with me?

I'm sorry this post is kinda random, my brain is pretty scattered rite now. Hopefully things mellow out soon.

I love you all! Your comments mean so much to me! Stay strong and think thin!

PS. Jamie I'm so glad to see you back and blogging!!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Holy fuck hangover...Oh well I had a fantastic night.

So I was reading through some of the other blogs, both the ones that I follow and the ones that I surf randomly and I realized that everyone has their story posted at least once on what brought them to this point in their lives, except me. Yet.

Here it goes, I suppose.

I was born in Calgary Alberta in 1988 seven years after my lovely sister Becca.
When I was younger, my parents really wanted me to have a well rounded education. So when I was three I was out on the slopes skiing, by 6 I was in piano (although I was "dismissed" by the school as I refused to practice) but what I really loved was dance.
At 4 my parents enlisted me in ballet classes. I stuck with it and really excelled, working through my grades and adding more dance classes and different styles along the years. Eventually I was in ballet, pointe, jazz, tap and acro. I was on my way to being the premia ballerina, and thats all I wanted.
And with any sport that you want to excel at, there are certain sacrifices that you have to make. And I was more than willing to make those if I got to be the best. I had amazing dance teachers who consistently pushed me to reach my dreams. But my life isn't a Disney movie and I'm not a dance princess now am I?
By the age of 12 I had restricted myself to a 600 cal. per day diet. I was at the studio from the time I got off school until at least 9 at night. I ate only raw veggies and drank only water. I weighed a total of 65 lbs. When I looked at the other girls in my class I was the thinnest and looked the part to a T. My teachers loved me, I did whatever they told me to (diet restrictions, exorcise, the whole shebang) but my parents began to notice.
When I was around 10 my only extra curricular was dance, so they also signed me up for horse back riding as well. It wasn't what I do now, but mostly trail rides and helping the lady re train abused horses that were bound for slaughter. I had always loved horses, what little girl doesnt? And it was nice to be able to go and take care of something and watch it grow and change, but dance was still number one in my life.
When I was 12 my father got a job transfer to Orlando Florida. I was going into grade 8 and not only moving countries but moving from a strict and very upright private school to a southern American public school. Culture shock central. I didn't take the move well. I found a studio close to my house but it wasn't the same, the prestige wasnt the same and the girls not nearly as motivated as I was. This was also the first time I was sniffed out.
7 months after my 13th birthday my "Mademoiselle" approached my parents about my "obsessive and perfections tendencies", and my "view of the other girls." Some of the other girls would come to use the studio with me, open practice and we would all give each other pointers. My first one was usually, if you want to be the best you have to look the best. How many ballerinas have you seen that have even an ounce of fat on them? I was excused from the studio and put into an out patient treatment center for anorexia nervosa.
Around the same time I started seriously pursuing a riding career. My councilor saw that I couldn't just sit and do nothing that if anything it was making my need for control worse. I would fly into fits of rage around any meal time refusing to eat. I would swim for hours attempting to burn any calories I consumed. So I think in turn, just to get me out of the house and away from her, my mother would drop me off at the barn and return 3 hours later, or on most weekends I would just spend the entire day.
Once again, my need to be the best took hold and I found ways to pay for 3 lessons a week and lease a horse. Naturally my parents helped, covering the cost of at least one lesson and half of the lease board. I was quickly working my way up the ranks on the Florida Dressage circuit showing at SUN. and Rocking Horse frequently. I was in the best shape of my life working 4 days a week at the barn and riding 6 of the 7 as well as being a member of my high schools cross country running team. My parents grew easier on me as my outlandish personality began to move aside and with the extra amounts of physical labor, my need to eat just to continue to function allowed them to believe that I had "recovered".
But I was clever, or so I thought. I would evaluate every single task I did, calculating exactly how many calories I burned per week. I began to keep food, and exorcise journals and smoking. By 15 I was short listed for the Young Riders dressage team. And also delivered the most devastating news of my athletic riding career.
My family was moving back to Canada. No more Dressage, no more dreams of being an Olympian and worst of all during the moving my parents found not only my journals but all of my pills (lax, ephedrine, the whole shebang). I was shipped up to Canada and put into a facility for 3 months the summer before grade 11.
I hated them. I didn't talk to either my mother or my father for six months. I couldnt stand even to look at them. This facility brought me to my HW and total self loathing. After six months living in Toronto, I found a job at a shitty riding stable teaching lessons and breaking (now my) a cute little mare named Annie.
I was ostracized at school, known as the girl with the funny southern accent. I became a hermit throwing myself into such foul moods that even I couldnt stand me. I was just about to turn 16 when my father finally broke down and bought me my first horse. Desperate to find some way to make me smile again.
I spent every day at the barn. I lost all the weight I had put on from treatment and began to feel good again. I kept to myself at school mostly, loathing the sight of them for what they had said about me behind my back. But I made one friend. She was ana as well but fortunately for her came from a much larger family that didnt keep track as well as mine did. We would spend all of our class time together talking about different diets, distractions, exorcises, everything. She was my original thin-spo. She was beautiful, slightly taller then I am, 5'8'' and 95lbs maybe. Also the originator of the "Bones are Beautiful".
Unfortunately her parents caught on and right after graduation she was admitted to treatment. I, however, went on to take my horse to school with me and learned the method of binge and purge. It was my first real time away from home, away from the meal plans but also away from my comfort zone. Drinking was every night, parties, beer, fried food, everything that comes with college life. Within the first six months of my first year I had gained back to my H.W. I panicked, I threw myself into such a state that I gave myself an ulcer. I couldnt eat, sleep, ride, nothing. All I did was throw up. By the summer I was once again 100 lbs. My second year resolve was much greater.
I was also in love. I knew from the second I saw him that I loved him. He was perfect, tall, strong, fit, into eating healthy, funny. Everything. We kept a torrid relationship for roughly 8 months, the majority of which was spent fighting or having bitter conversation, but when it was good--oh it was magic. Eventually he slept with my best friend and abandoned me at the height of my second gastric ulcer in under a year. Graduation day came and I refuse to see him again.
For as much as I hated my parents the are good at causing their own distractions. After my grad, my mother announced that she was moving back to Florida. Leaving my father and I in Toronto. I didnt know what to do. I had no career hopes, and a family that was falling apart, the only control I had was me. I began to do long term liquid only fasts. 15 or 20 days at a time. I refused most food claiming that I still had to hard of a time because of the ulcer. My parents were to distracted to notice.
I applied to local colleges, choosing to stay at home due to lack of money or a life plan. I live alone with my dad, who travels so much on business that I mind as well just pretend he doesnt live here. It allows me to restrict myself and fast on the days that he's away without much notice being taken. He likes to cook so he makes dinner every night that he's home but I just account for that and eat the one meal a day.
And that puts me where I am now. After weighing myself yesterday I am at 103 and am beginning a restriction diet for 2 weeks as of monday. Only raw fruit and veggies, only water to drink.
I know this post kind of rambled on, not saying much of anything really. I just wanted to share my (abridged) history with an ED. Obviously there is much much more to it but I didnt want to get too carried away.
I love you all! Stay strong and think thin!
xoxo Kitty
Ps. I saw a girl wearing a red bracelet last night, it made me wonder.

Friday, May 8, 2009

A Day of Ups and Downs

Oh glory be the three "R"s work! I ate nothing but 2 fresh rolls all day and got an ass kicking at the barn!

I rode 3 horses and mucked 3 stalls and swept the isles. My knee's are a little swollen and it hurts to climb stairs a little but its so worth it...wait for it...

100.0 even! And I know its not just from water weight.

I've been restricting (ok so chocolate at 2 doesn't count but I couldn't stop myself. I tried) and jogging and today was a fantastic workout. I feel great.

Really...I do...I think

Oh sigh, its never all good is it?

I called him cupcake because he was simply a sample of the larger cake that should be awaiting me. But, a cupcake doesn't last nearly as long as an actual cake does, does it? No, it is simply a portion of the greater. And I have come to realize that all is left of my Cupcake is crumbs and the paper wrapper. I have consumed it all, gorged myself, binged.

So now I must purge him from my body. He will always be my best friend, no questions asked. But never again my lover. It has become clear that I am not going to be taking the place of her. He hasn't said anything but I can feel it.

Oh well better to see and prepare for it, than get blind-sided by a semi.

So the hunt continues.

Edith Beale once said "All I want in life, Mr. Gould is a dance partner."

I feel much the same. Well I think it's time I threw some ice on my knees and called it a night. I'm not sad you know. I thought I would be but I'm not. I'm not even bitter, I almost wish I felt more than I do.

As Skinnylove says on her blog

Refuse, Resist, Restrict And as always, stay strong and think thin!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

do it!

Oh I am so sorry that I've been so awful lately about updating. My computer had a super shitty virus and it was making blogging intensely difficult.

So I came back to Toronto on Sunday and flew in thru Buffalo. The wait at the boarder was over 2 hours! But it gave me time to organize things with my Cupcake. He was over at my house not even 30 seconds after we had gotten home.

We had fantastic sex. He makes me feel so beautiful. And even better is he is so supportive.

Since I got back I've been bad about chocolate (I cant stop, its almost scary) I was telling him about it and how much I hate myself for it. He took all of the chocolate from my room and not just threw it out but threw it away out of the house. He said he would punish me if I ate any more of it. I love him :)

Shit my friend just rang my doorbell. I'm sorry this is so short. I really need some thinspireation

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Working hard to look lazy

Well it's my last day in sunny hot Florida and I am burnt to a slight crisp. Well really just my shoulders. I have a great triangle tit tan going on, I'm sure lovely to anyone who see's me naked. Not that that's really anyone.

I'm so anxious to get home that I can't sleep. So I figured I would blog to clear my head a little.

Today wasn't great in terms of food:
Grande coffee frapp lite
1/2 low fat cranberry lemon scone
15 rock shrimp (oh god they were so delicious)
1/4 cup steamed long grain rice
15 or so green beans

I purged about 20 minutes ago, shrimp the second time wasn't nearly as good.

My Ma and I went to the beach and I went for a nice long run and then a dip in the ocean. It was so amazingly hot and the water was nice and cool it felt really nice. I wish that I could live on the beach, I love the ocean. I forget about everything when I'm sitting there, watching the waves and the tide. One day maybe.

I will miss my dog when I leave here. He's so cute and cuddly, I love him to death. I love dogs, they give unconditional love no matter what. He doesn't care how out of control I feel I've spun, he's always there to curl up on my lap and lick my face.

Well I think it's time to play some sort of game to make me fall asleep, tetris anyone?

Friday, May 1, 2009

Mayday, mayday!

Yay! Aprils over and May has begun! Summer is on its way! Only 2 days until my triumphant return to the great white north (Toronto) and I have made resolutions. Ok so I know that's a January thing but who says you can't start late?
  1. As of Monday 1 week fast (3 lbs gained from vaca, MUST BE LOST)
  2. Back to strict workout regime, boot camp's got nuttin on me!
  3. Absolutely NO refined sugar (including drinks at the bar, G&T ONLY if I'm going to have any)
  4. Drink more water
  5. Win back my Cupcake (if lost)
  6. Keep up my tan
  7. Get my hair done
Ok so the last ones not really a resolution it just needs to happen. I should probably put quit smoking on there somewhere but I know I wont keep that one so theres no need to lie to myself. Especally seeing as how I'm buying a carton of Marbie lights at duty free :P.

I'm so inspired by the other blogs, I'm so glad to see that I'm not the only one that struggles with cravings! I did pretty well today tho:
  • 1 hardboiled egg (70 Cal)
  • 1 Grande coffee frapp Lite
  • 1/2 cup orzo
  • enough water to make my bladder want to explode and my kidneys drown
I also took the dog for a 45 min. walk and went swimming for half an hour. I'm getting pretty lazy with my workouts but its hard to find motivation when your on vacation. Well that and I dont have the same equipment that I do at home (i.e. a full gym at my disposal).

So also, I learned today that my favorite-what I thought was safe-treat, Booster Juice fruit smoothies are like crazy high in cal. I'm pretty bummed about it, but I think I can make ones that arent as bad at home. I just need to invest in a blender. Does anyone have any low fat, low cal smoothie recipes?

Speaking of low cal. So I have always had a soft spot in my heart for sweet potatoes, much healthier then regular potatoes and lower in cal (204 compared to almost 300). Any who, I dont eat fries as they are sooo bad for you, but I make my own baked sweet potato fries that are much healthier and are also low cal when I feel like treating myself. All you have to do is slice the S.P. into steak fry size wedges VERY LIGHTLY brush them with extra virgin olive oil and a little curry powder bake in the oven (DO NOT FRY! that's where all the bad stuff comes from) at 400 for 25 min or until the ends turn brown and enjoy. I only make them once in a blue moon and mostly when I have company over so that I can eat something and not look suspicious, but if you are feeling indulgent or need a cover up food I highly suggest! Sometimes if my Dad is breathing down my back or starts to question my eating habits, I'll make these and he shuts up, not only because he's shoving his face with them but also because he'll see me nibble them.

I know some of you will criticize me for posting a recipe but I think that its OK to have "safe foods". I know how hard it is, especially if you live at home with parents, to restrict or fast so I just wanted to offer a better alternative to a food that I know some people crave. I hope is more of a help than a hindrance.

Stay strong and think thin!