I'm feeling pretty good today. I spent the day with the ponies again. Mucking stalls, feeding, turning in and out, sweeping and burned a total of almost 1500 cal. I didn't ride but by the end of the day I was exhausted! I managed to keep to a low cal smoothie at 11 this morning and then a very small piece of salmon and 3 pieces of broccoli at dinner with my dad.
I am loosing control in some areas tho.
Cupcake and I have slept together again. I'm now almost positive that he is using me strictly for sex. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. On one hand I'm ecstatic that I'm still getting his attention, on the other hand I feel like a cheap piece of meat to be taken at his choosing. All of my friends that I talk to about it say I need to confront him and make him choose but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to lose his friendship, I love him dearly.
Fuck. Que frustration eating in 3...2...1...
My father (trying to be loving and honestly does it out of the good of his heart!) bought rocky road ice-cream. I haven't touched it yet and I have "It's a slippery slope down the rocky road!" written all over my mirror beside the 3 R's. I hope this is enough to keep me away. I need some serious supplements tho. Does anyone know of any that they have found that suppress appetite really well or that they particularly like?
I started a new Thin-spo journal. I took one of my old sketch books and glued pictures from the internet and different mags in. I put in a section for workouts, food, thinspo, quotes and then just general journal entries. I love blogging but I still keep my own journals for that little bit extra sometimes.
I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. I fucking HATE-no scratch that- I LOATHE the dentist! They always give you those disapproving looks and my gums always bleed. I brush my teeth, I swear to god, ok maybe sometimes to often, but every god damn time I go to the dentist my gums bleed like english royalty. And then they tell me that my oral hygiene isn't good enough and that my gums shouldn't be doing that and that I should quit smoking because its only adding to the problem. And then comes the needles. I am totally ok with needles. In fact I take some sort of sick pleasure getting blood drawn, but I can not handle getting needles in my mouth. I also don't like it when people are standing over me and talking. It creeps me out, I get all nervous and antsy in the pantsy. And to make matters worse, it's a 9 am appointment. Fuck. That. Shit. Terrified.
However it will give me a fantastic excuse to not eat for the entire day and possibly even two. And then my dad goes away for the long weekend.
Do I see a 5 day fast coming on? Who's with me?
I'm sorry this post is kinda random, my brain is pretty scattered rite now. Hopefully things mellow out soon.
I love you all! Your comments mean so much to me! Stay strong and think thin!
PS. Jamie I'm so glad to see you back and blogging!!