Sunday, May 10, 2009

Holy fuck hangover...Oh well I had a fantastic night.


So I was reading through some of the other blogs, both the ones that I follow and the ones that I surf randomly and I realized that everyone has their story posted at least once on what brought them to this point in their lives, except me. Yet.

Here it goes, I suppose.

I was born in Calgary Alberta in 1988 seven years after my lovely sister Becca.
When I was younger, my parents really wanted me to have a well rounded education. So when I was three I was out on the slopes skiing, by 6 I was in piano (although I was "dismissed" by the school as I refused to practice) but what I really loved was dance.
At 4 my parents enlisted me in ballet classes. I stuck with it and really excelled, working through my grades and adding more dance classes and different styles along the years. Eventually I was in ballet, pointe, jazz, tap and acro. I was on my way to being the premia ballerina, and thats all I wanted.
And with any sport that you want to excel at, there are certain sacrifices that you have to make. And I was more than willing to make those if I got to be the best. I had amazing dance teachers who consistently pushed me to reach my dreams. But my life isn't a Disney movie and I'm not a dance princess now am I?
By the age of 12 I had restricted myself to a 600 cal. per day diet. I was at the studio from the time I got off school until at least 9 at night. I ate only raw veggies and drank only water. I weighed a total of 65 lbs. When I looked at the other girls in my class I was the thinnest and looked the part to a T. My teachers loved me, I did whatever they told me to (diet restrictions, exorcise, the whole shebang) but my parents began to notice.
When I was around 10 my only extra curricular was dance, so they also signed me up for horse back riding as well. It wasn't what I do now, but mostly trail rides and helping the lady re train abused horses that were bound for slaughter. I had always loved horses, what little girl doesnt? And it was nice to be able to go and take care of something and watch it grow and change, but dance was still number one in my life.
When I was 12 my father got a job transfer to Orlando Florida. I was going into grade 8 and not only moving countries but moving from a strict and very upright private school to a southern American public school. Culture shock central. I didn't take the move well. I found a studio close to my house but it wasn't the same, the prestige wasnt the same and the girls not nearly as motivated as I was. This was also the first time I was sniffed out.
7 months after my 13th birthday my "Mademoiselle" approached my parents about my "obsessive and perfections tendencies", and my "view of the other girls." Some of the other girls would come to use the studio with me, open practice and we would all give each other pointers. My first one was usually, if you want to be the best you have to look the best. How many ballerinas have you seen that have even an ounce of fat on them? I was excused from the studio and put into an out patient treatment center for anorexia nervosa.
Around the same time I started seriously pursuing a riding career. My councilor saw that I couldn't just sit and do nothing that if anything it was making my need for control worse. I would fly into fits of rage around any meal time refusing to eat. I would swim for hours attempting to burn any calories I consumed. So I think in turn, just to get me out of the house and away from her, my mother would drop me off at the barn and return 3 hours later, or on most weekends I would just spend the entire day.
Once again, my need to be the best took hold and I found ways to pay for 3 lessons a week and lease a horse. Naturally my parents helped, covering the cost of at least one lesson and half of the lease board. I was quickly working my way up the ranks on the Florida Dressage circuit showing at SUN. and Rocking Horse frequently. I was in the best shape of my life working 4 days a week at the barn and riding 6 of the 7 as well as being a member of my high schools cross country running team. My parents grew easier on me as my outlandish personality began to move aside and with the extra amounts of physical labor, my need to eat just to continue to function allowed them to believe that I had "recovered".
But I was clever, or so I thought. I would evaluate every single task I did, calculating exactly how many calories I burned per week. I began to keep food, and exorcise journals and smoking. By 15 I was short listed for the Young Riders dressage team. And also delivered the most devastating news of my athletic riding career.
My family was moving back to Canada. No more Dressage, no more dreams of being an Olympian and worst of all during the moving my parents found not only my journals but all of my pills (lax, ephedrine, the whole shebang). I was shipped up to Canada and put into a facility for 3 months the summer before grade 11.
I hated them. I didn't talk to either my mother or my father for six months. I couldnt stand even to look at them. This facility brought me to my HW and total self loathing. After six months living in Toronto, I found a job at a shitty riding stable teaching lessons and breaking (now my) a cute little mare named Annie.
I was ostracized at school, known as the girl with the funny southern accent. I became a hermit throwing myself into such foul moods that even I couldnt stand me. I was just about to turn 16 when my father finally broke down and bought me my first horse. Desperate to find some way to make me smile again.
I spent every day at the barn. I lost all the weight I had put on from treatment and began to feel good again. I kept to myself at school mostly, loathing the sight of them for what they had said about me behind my back. But I made one friend. She was ana as well but fortunately for her came from a much larger family that didnt keep track as well as mine did. We would spend all of our class time together talking about different diets, distractions, exorcises, everything. She was my original thin-spo. She was beautiful, slightly taller then I am, 5'8'' and 95lbs maybe. Also the originator of the "Bones are Beautiful".
Unfortunately her parents caught on and right after graduation she was admitted to treatment. I, however, went on to take my horse to school with me and learned the method of binge and purge. It was my first real time away from home, away from the meal plans but also away from my comfort zone. Drinking was every night, parties, beer, fried food, everything that comes with college life. Within the first six months of my first year I had gained back to my H.W. I panicked, I threw myself into such a state that I gave myself an ulcer. I couldnt eat, sleep, ride, nothing. All I did was throw up. By the summer I was once again 100 lbs. My second year resolve was much greater.
I was also in love. I knew from the second I saw him that I loved him. He was perfect, tall, strong, fit, into eating healthy, funny. Everything. We kept a torrid relationship for roughly 8 months, the majority of which was spent fighting or having bitter conversation, but when it was good--oh it was magic. Eventually he slept with my best friend and abandoned me at the height of my second gastric ulcer in under a year. Graduation day came and I refuse to see him again.
For as much as I hated my parents the are good at causing their own distractions. After my grad, my mother announced that she was moving back to Florida. Leaving my father and I in Toronto. I didnt know what to do. I had no career hopes, and a family that was falling apart, the only control I had was me. I began to do long term liquid only fasts. 15 or 20 days at a time. I refused most food claiming that I still had to hard of a time because of the ulcer. My parents were to distracted to notice.
I applied to local colleges, choosing to stay at home due to lack of money or a life plan. I live alone with my dad, who travels so much on business that I mind as well just pretend he doesnt live here. It allows me to restrict myself and fast on the days that he's away without much notice being taken. He likes to cook so he makes dinner every night that he's home but I just account for that and eat the one meal a day.
And that puts me where I am now. After weighing myself yesterday I am at 103 and am beginning a restriction diet for 2 weeks as of monday. Only raw fruit and veggies, only water to drink.
I know this post kind of rambled on, not saying much of anything really. I just wanted to share my (abridged) history with an ED. Obviously there is much much more to it but I didnt want to get too carried away.
I love you all! Stay strong and think thin!
xoxo Kitty
Ps. I saw a girl wearing a red bracelet last night, it made me wonder.

4 comments:

  1. New URL

    www.jkremm.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. hey girlykins, i just wanted to say hello - from another Toronto-dweller. i hope you're well... good luck and stay strong :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. What an eventful, if stress-making, life you've led!

    I want to eat raw so terribly but I. just. can't. do. it.

    Actually, I could. I'm all that's in my way.

    ReplyDelete